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Daniel and All:
I just wanted to include my friends' comments on the advert wording,
in case any other free advert opportunities come our way. She is a
copywriter in California and does this for a living and wanted to
give us some advice.
1. Generally you don?t want to begin an ad with a question??let alone
three. In theory, that gives the audience a chance to say ?no? and
turn the page.
2. Another rule of thumb, exclamation points don?t make the content
of sentences exciting, words do.
3. The paragraphs seem out of order to me. If you?re going to ask a
question, answer it, immediately. Then conclude with the ?Let?s?
4. There?s a type-o in the fourth sentence down in the ?Let?s?
paragraph???get? is there twice.
5. I think he needs to ditch all the ?let?s? stuff??he?s trying to
get fancy and make it ad-ish. And use the space to tell the audience
briefly and clearly what the organization is and what it can do for
6. People tend to want to cram everything into one ad space. If they
do, that?s almost a garauntee that it won?t be read and if it is it?s
confusing. What we do with clients is ask them ?what?s the ONE most
important thing you want to say?? and stick the that message,
resisting the urge to add a bunch of side notes.
7. Is there a call to action? A phone number or web address?
HERE?S HOW I MIGHT RE-ARRANGE IT WITHOUT RE-WRITING IT
See every household with a broadband connection.
Kendra Initiative is an organization tasked with creating an open
marketplace for content. We want to see people make money from their
content. To create such a system interested parties need to come
together with one vision.
Let?s provide incentive.
Let?s enable people to make money from their content.
Let?s build an open marketplace.
Let?s get revenue flowing from consumers to all content owners.
Call (000) 000-0000 today to get started.
THESE CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE WITH OUT RE-WRITTING THE AD.
REALISTICALLY IT NEEDS TO BE RE-WRITTEN TO MAKE SENSE. I CAN?T EVEN
TELL WHAT HE IS ADVERTISING. WHAT?S THE SUBJECT MATTER? IS IT KENDA
I can run the next advert by her too,
"To get more out of life, give more of yourself"
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